Hearty French Potato Casserole (in Two Acts)

Cast

Me, playing myself

Roommate, playing the Doctor
Annebriated friend, playing the Guinea Pig
My patient guide dog, playing with his kong

 …and making her kitchen debut…

 Guest star, Queen of Hearts, the Cuisinart!

Act I, Scene 1 (Inspiration and Grocery Store)  ACTION!

Sweet! Now that I have this newfangled food processor, slicing onions and potatoes will be super easy and fast. Thanks to this new recipe from the latest in Cooks Illustrated, this will make a lovely side dish. Whip this up in no time. I personally feel that the Yukon Gold Potatoes are a must for this one.

 Not-yet-inebriated friend takes me to the grocery store to purchase fresh ingredients. We buy a big ol’ slab of peppered, generic bacon upon the doctor’s orders.

 And SCENE!

 

Scene 2: (back at home), dining room table

 First sign that I am having delusions of grandeur: Peeling these potatoes went much faster this time! The key is to not drink lots of caffeine beforehand, so your hands don’t spark, jitter and jive with excess energy. Take your time and lovingly, carefully sculpt each tater, as if you knew that it absolutely wanted to be excoriated and consumed, just for fun. These legumes did not have the problem in previous potato posers; there were very few spots on them to whittle down.

 Scene 3: (in the kitchen)

Second Sign of Afore Mentioned Delusions: I’ll get the sharpest knife I can find to cut these one inch bacon pieces. Stacking all 3 strips on top of one another will make it go faster. Taking my own advice from priorentries, I am cognizant of my fragile fingers when I use them as combination 1-inch measurement and slicing guide for the knife. Success! Easy and clean.

Enter, Queen of Hearts, the Cuisenart

 I go back and forth to the food processor, dumping in the peeled onion first. It is so amazingly quick, I am almost crying with relief…or maybe that’s the onions. Disassembling her Majesty, the onions get poured into a bowl and set aside. I’m continuing to feel around in the saucepan with this slotted spoon thingy to detect bacon crispness. Nothing yet.

The Queen is reassembled and the first bunch of peeled potatoes are done in a flash. Zippily I continue to check the bacon and make room for the last batch of the potatoes. The heat on the bacon is too low, I am thinking. They’re still really squishy. Bam! Potatoes done! Now to just disassemble the Queen one last …

…and "Off with your thumb!" the Queen decrees. My goddam thumb starts bleeding all over the floor. Her Royal bitchiness’ slicing blade didn’t want to twist out of the food processor bowl, which stands to reason, since it was meant to just be pulled straight up and out. Damn inflexible aristocracy.

 My guide dog lustily glares at the pooling blood on the floor in front of him before overcoming the temptation to clean it up, and then leaves, chuffing a rebuke under his breath. Damn precocious guide dogs.

 Crap! The bacon is still on high heat! Luckily, when I take the slotted spoon to the meat bits now, they are crispy, in spite of the smell of charred flesh comingled with fresh blood in the air. The show goes on…

Act II: Scene 1 (Kitchen as battlefield)

Medic! I cry, as I apply some quick battlefield first aid. The Doctor enters and applies his healing arts, as sounds of maniacal laughter can almost be heard from the Queen of Hearts.

 I now must finish this without being able to feel with my thumb, or even get it wet. Inebriated Friend (who has been drinking and laughing since Scene 2) gets some medicine from the Doctor (a.k.a., vodka for himself) and ensures that none of the blood seasoned anything we’ll be eating. He takes some more medicine/vodka just to be sure. (I don’t know either; but it makes sense to him.)

For the most part, I don’t even use proper measuring spoons throughout this recipe. I just kind of parcel it out into the mix as judiciously as I please. The broth is super easy; the cans almost exactly equal 1 ¼ cups. I end up using my hands to smush the unbaked casserole into place as the broth simmers. When I hear it lightly bubbling, I don the Long-Armed Oven Mitts of Protection and pour the lava onto the dish, making certain to pour away from me in case of splatter.

 Now that my thumb is no longer throbbing thanks to the Doctor’s tender ministrations, I feel confident once more to fight on.

Scene 2: Dinner Table

In spite of a first blood encounter, the dish turns out like it’s supposed to. I again use my hand as a guide to cut the casserole into even pieces with a pie blade. Injury has made me appropriately cautious. This ends up being almost completely devoured by my now trashed friend, and 3 others. The broth emulates the drippings of a non-existent roast nicely, with the peppered bacon, salt, and thyme setting off the flavor.

The curtain falls as Inebriated Friend stretches out on the couch, and the ghostly, haunting motorized grinding sound of the food processor cuts his yawn short.

Stuff You Will Need:

•   measuring spoons

•   measuring cup, liquid
•   medium-sized saucepan
•   A plate for bacon
•   large mixing bowl
•   Cutting board for bacon
•   Can opener
•   Vegetable peeler
•   Onion slicing device (knife, food processor, etc.)
•   Tongs or tossing implement
•   Spatula or pressing implement
•   Butter knife and plate
•   Apron, oven mits, and dish towels.
•   Courage and a sense of adventure. Also good medical insurance.
 

Stuff You Put In It:

•   3 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into half-inch pieces

•   1 large onion, halved and sliced thinSlotted spoon
•   1 1/4 teaspoons salt
•   2 teaspoons chopped fresh thyme
•   1/2 teaspoon pepper
•   1 1/4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
•   1 1/4 cups beef broth
•   3 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled
•   2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
 

1.     Adjust oven rack to lower middle position and pre-heat to 425 degrees. Grease a 9 by 13 inch baking dish.

2.     Cook bacon in a medium sized saucepan over medium low heat until crisp, 10 to 13 minutes.

3.     Using slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towel-lined plate. Remove and discard all but 1 tablespoon fat from pot.

4.     Return pot to medium heat and add onion and quarter teaspoon salt; cook, stirring frequently, until onion is soft and golden brown, about 25 minutes, adjusting heat and adding water 1 tablespoon at a time if onion or bottom of pot becomes too dark.

5.     Transfer onion to large bowl; add bacon, thyme, remaining 1 teaspoon salt, and pepper.

6.     Add broths to now-empty saucepan and bring to simmer over medium-high heat, scraping bottom of pan to loosen any browned bits.

7.     Slice potatoes 1 eighth inch thick. Transfer to bowl with onion mixture and toss to combine.

8.     Transfer to prepared baking dish. Firmly press down on mixture to compress into even layer.

9.     Carefully pour hot broth over top of potatoes. Dot surface evenly with butter.

10. Bake, uncovered, until potatoes are tender and golden brown on edges and most of liquid has been absorbed, 45 to 55 minutes.

11. Transfer to wire rack and let stand for 20 minutes to fully absorb broth before cutting and serving.

An adult beverage my roommate, The Doctor made for me as medicine for...

...the "handy" work of Queen of Hearts, the Cuisinart.

Hey, even I can tell that the Yukon Gold holds up to its name. Yum!