Vegan Energy Bars

Recipe Here!

 This is my contribution to the artistic world.  Notice the consummate angles of the slices. The variant on a Rembrandt-like stylistic motif almost calls forth in one’s imagination the horrifying tableau of a small child who, instead of being given a red crayon and construction paper to draw upon,  is given a sharp knife and brains as a canvas.  Mmmm, delicious. Enjoy this vegan delight, and prepare to tap your inner child as you splatter zombie-bait all over your kitchen walls and friends. (Crowd source suggestions here are welcome. How to be a straight slicer?)

Readers should note that most of these bars were given away to neighbors and friends. The tragedy is that I found out a bit later how gas-inducing this particular recipe turned out to be. Sorry! Secretly, though, we the blind sometimes concoct devious formulae such as this in order to verify that our guests actually did in fact eat what we made. Methane makes a great lie detector test for us.

Grilled Rat Bordeaux Style

Grilled Rat Bordeaux Style

(Entrecote a la bordelaise)

Now that my thumb has healed up nicely from the Great Tater Caper from a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d go for something a bit more exotic.

From a very rare cook book, I picked this recipe and I quote:

Alcoholic rats inhabiting wine cellars are skinned and eviscerated,brushed with a thick sauce of olive oil and crushed shallots, and grilled over a fire of broken wine barrels.

Yum!

On Eviscerating

Ensure that you have only the highest quality of wine-soaked rodent. A mouse will suffice, but definitely do not use a rat terrier or badger. That’s just not classy. If you happen to have access to a Ghanaen market (or other West African merchant where rat is very popular), I recommend the Cricetomys (“giant rat” – serves 8, not 6), or the Thryonomys (“cane rat” – easier to eat with chopsticks). Any of these choices are easy enough to eviscerate with a food processor. Just like that Bass-o-Matic commercial Dan Akroid did on SNL in the 80’s.

            Ok, so technically this is not evisceration, but I’ll grant a dispensation just this once to my blind brethren, as long as you wear a finger guard when using your Cuisinart.

APRIL FOOLS!!!

          I’m just kiddin’. This recipe sounds disgusting, don’t you think? It comes from a cook book by Calvin W. Schwabe entitled Unmentionable Cuisine.  The part about the West African diet is true though. Between 1968 and 1970, one market alone in Accra sold 258,206 pounds of cane-rat meat, and theAmerican pest makes up 50% of the meat locally produced in some parts of Ghana.

            The moral of the story is, always know what animal your meat has come from. Those pesky prankster pals might think some of your ingredients are imperceptibly fungible.

(No offense intended to my rat eating international friends; it’s just not my bag.)

Slimy, yet satisfiying.